'That' Mom

I've recently been seeing a lot of 'perfect mom' type articles on Facebook, and websites. Not how to be a perfect mom, but how she doesn't exist. I wholeheartedly agree, and just to add my voice to the discussion instead of commenting on posts, I've decided to blog out my thoughts.

Let's identify the problem first. There is an innate desire for us to be better. That's not necessarily bad, in fact, that drive to better ourselves is what allows us to grow. But the part that makes this tricky, is the comparisons. Before the days of social media, the comparisons were made to Joan Cleaver, Carol Brady, and a slew of other stay-at-home moms that cooked great meals, mended clothing, and tended to their husbands and their needs. With social media, the comparisons keep going. With the exception, it's with friends and people in your circles, or a celebrity's Twitter feed when they are being more 'genuine' and giving us a 'peek' into their life.

The latter comparison, in my opinion, is much more toxic. We start to live a life, that is not only 'just the good bits' online, but then your relationships face to face starts to become... 'just the good bits' too. You start talking about your new diet fads, the perfect recipes (not the ones you burnt and ended up ordering take out after), the gym sessions you did go to (and if you didn't... people don't have to know), the perfect children, and well all in all.... the perfect persona has started its own life without you even knowing it. We are all guilty of that - but not because we want to appear perfect, but really because we only want to show the great parts and the 'happiest' part of our lives with each other.

I am definitely, feeding into the frenzy. We all can't help it. If you only knew Facebook Sharon, I'm pretty sure you would think we have a perfect life. I don't mention the times my husband and I fight. not just argue, I mean fight. Why would we air our dirty laundry on social media? We have plenty of photos of the kids not smiling, but those don't get posted. And what you see are allllll the awesome outings I have with the family - the vacations, the food we eat, the many experiences we take our children to (as they are literally sitting on the couch watching My Little Ponies like zombies right now).

It's not a lie. It's part of my life. the happy bits. I am happy to share those things with everyone, as those are some of my sneak peaks. But that is not the complete story. The complete story, is for you to get to know, when I spend time with you. It's not hard, I'm a pretty open person, but I don't mention a lot of stuff on Facebook either. My journey started on a difficult note. It and it grew from there, and to be honest, I feel like I am at the peak and somewhere along this journey things will go sour again. I just don't know when. In fact, I'm trying to savor the moments while I'm here at my personal peak, because who knows what really will happen. And I hope that when the imperfections come, I feel safe enough to share them with you, and find strength from a genuine circle of friends. So, let's talk and get to know the real each other sometime!

The Garden Henchman

the sun has been beaming down on us these past few weeks. The yard is a mess, and there are a billion things to do as much outside as there is inside the house. I just need to pick my battles. First off, we don't tend to our yard. In fact, it's our very kind and meticulous neighbor who always mows our patch of moss for us. The only time I've touched our lawn mower (which came with our house 4 years ago), was just the other day when I offered it to another neighbor who was lamenting about how heavy his was. I said, 'Oh! we have one that we never use! You can borrow it ANYTIME'.

All this to say, we are not gardeners. In fact, it's the yard and house maintenance that always gets me thinking back on condo living, and how strata fees were really good in that way. But, sometimes, when things are ugly, they are just ugly. Our yard, well... is very unkept. Not even weeds. I'm talking about leaves that haven't been raked since 2010. I thought that stuff is supposed to decompose? Well, not as fast as we thought. And things grow. Fast.

So, as part of my compulsive nature, when I just can't handle a mess anymore, I kind of go off my rocker, and just go at it starting from scratch so that whatever I am trying to 'organize' is really organized.

All I wanted to do was shear some of the twigs/leaves off the bushes that were on our walkway. They started getting in the way of my grocery drop off area, so I started by shearing those off. I started to realize that you can't just get the leaves. It's the whole damn branch that needs to go. But once you get one branch, you have to even it up by getting another. Well, those bushes were getting a good makeover, but then I somehow found myself starting to do the larger greenery around our house. In front. And soon enough... there was a massive pile of yard waste, sitting in the middle of my patch of moss yard.

While doing this, I had a lot of time to think. Funny how when things are quiet (i.e. when the kids are napping), you can hear yourself think. And all I could think, was all the garden analogy in the Bible. There are several I kept thinking about, and they all reign true to life and relationships. But it was the pruning that kept worrying me. As I was on my own crazy nature massacre - just to 'clean things up' and to make our yard more enjoyable, I thought about the pruning that needs to be done on a daily basis to prevent these missions and huge steps I have to take to bring me back to 'home'.

I never tended the garden. The only way to get it back to square one, and to where things are manageable, is to cut everything off - living or dead. Even perfectly luscious greenery, had to be pruned for things to be in order. This freaked me out. The fact that perfectly good things, sometimes still had to be 'let go' so that order can be brought back.

My head and my heart are still trying to wrap my thoughts around all the things that need to be done to maintain a viable garden/life. In fact, I just went on another rampage today, after cleaning up the yard waste from my last mission. There is a sense of peace in all the chaos, and it's what I look forward to at the end of it all, but I can't say I like all of the work that had to be done to get that peace of mind. Like any Christian journey, it really is the same. Pruning sucks. But it's the only thing that leads to peace.

Brain Cells, and Learning

tried to convince Colin that when he learns something his brain grows - so that he can recall what he learns from school to me.

Me: What did you learn at school today?
Colin: I don't remember.
Me: oh.... so you didn't grow any brain cells today?
Colin: well.... you see, my brain is full already. If I grow anymore, my head will blow off.

Who's the Boss?

Colin to Joe: I'm pretending to be the boss of the house
Me: who's really the boss of the house?
Colin: Daddy
Me: that's right.
Colin: But you're the super boss of the house. the REAL boss.

ahh, kids are so perceptive :)

Joking Around

Cara: knock knock
Colin: who's there?
Cara: baby
Colin: baby who?
Cara: belhelhflfkjh
Colin: beh?
Cara: no no
Colin: bow?
Cara: no no
Colin: I love you!!!
Colin & Cara: laughing hysterically

Colin Says

Just came home from an outing, and Colin was whipping his jacket off. Really really whipping it.

Me: Colin, can you stop whipping your jacket? You almost whipped me.
Colin: But Mommy, I was just doing it Colin style.

Daylight Savings, and what it means to me

Rice and Ninjas

Me: I'm making fried rice for dinner, because I need to make a fast dinner after karate class.
Colin: fried rice is the best for karate class!
Me: ?
Colin: well, fried rice has rice. and rice is Chinese. And Chinese people are ninjas. So fried rice is the best ninja food.

no. no stereotypes at all in that conversation.

Cara's first sentence

Colin was sick today. So I threw together some good Chinese kid sick food. Congee. But, Cara inhaled it. And to our surprise, the beast who usually grunts said in a polite and almost mousy voice, "Mo jop jop?" translation: More congee??

ah, of course her first sentence would be regarding the replenishment of her food. of course....

Wild Thing

Cara is a wild one. A beast, and silly to the bone. In fact, it was just 2 nights ago I was lamenting how mischievous she was. After we had put both the kids down, we had return to their room 3 times.

We knew trouble was brewing when we saw the lights flick on/off and heard giggling, so Joe just said with a stern voice from below, "Lay down. Go back to sleep." No sooner than 5 minutes had passed, I heard some noise over the monitor. Not crying, not snoring... a rustling of some sort. I went in to check, and there she was, mangling the blinds on the window. After the light switch and the blinds, I literally pulled her crib out into the middle of the room so she couldn't touch anything within arms reach. I had also noticed she had taken her sleep sack off. I put it back on.

Third time. Noise. Giggling. It was Joe's turn. He goes in, and finds the beast completely naked. She had taken her sleep sack and her sleeper off this time.

She's a sweet girl, really. But she's just wild.

She loves to jump off stairs, flip upside down, get tossed in the air as high as Daddy can throw her. And she loves to climb on you, and balance.

I was on the computer, and she usually climbs up on the chair with me to stand and hang on to me (much like a pet monkey). This time, she decided to get between me and the computer, and stand on my legs.

She kept trying to balance, taking her hands off while standing on my legs going "whoooaaaa, whoooooaaaaa". But eventually she would fall, and I would catch her and we'd smile and giggle.

She's loveable, but wild.

We kept doing that, and she kept falling, and I kept catching her. Then, I started thinking - one day, her risk taking and wild ways will be more than I can handle. She'll be taking emotional, academic, social and other physical risks. And as I thought, I'm going to always be there to catch her. No matter the risks. I'm her mama, and as hard her falls may be, I made a promise to her right and then - that I would always catch her.

New Beginnings

I've been praying. I'll be honest though, I'm not very eloquent in my prayers, but on this 3rd day of the New Year, I've found myself spontaneously praying a lot more.

I don't make resolutions, but I'm thinking that talking to God is a good start. My life isn't perfect. My marriage isn't always happy, my insecurities are always creeping up on me, my dysfunctional family frustrates me, and my kids - well, they're kids - what more do I need to say.

I'm finding that in all these imperfections, I can only look up and in the moments where I can give thanks to God for giving me the life I am living. I've always said I can't be the supermom that everyone strives to be. I'm not trying to be her - I've given up on that (image). I want to be the mom that's real, knows my weaknesses, and am not afraid to show them - so that others can be strengthened and empowered to know they're not alone.

I want to be a good wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. There are serious weaknesses in every area of my life, and I feel like I need an instruction manual for life. I need chapters like "What to say when you're wrong", "How to not be lazy", "When you feel like giving up", "How to care more", and a chapter like "How to find the Apple TV remote' would be really helpful too. God is my guide. I need to constantly go to him for instruction to weave through this thing called life in a completely sane matter.

Praying doesn't automatically solve all my issues. Praying just allows me to reflect on them, and brings awareness of my ownership in each area. I feel transparent, and real - but I find myself giving thanks more than anything though each time I pray, because I feel so blessed and loved. The love that God has for me, is far beyond my understanding, but because I am loved like that, it flows through me and is poured upon my family. And the best thing I can do for my family, is to love them unconditionally.

I know I am rambling (re: eloquence issue), and my prayers are for the most part like this. And God doesn't mind.