Resolution Check Up

Warning, I am repeating myself every time I start a new entry. 'I haven't written in a while'. I can assure you of 1 true thing - I am, indeed lazy with my blog. I have been obsessing over a few other blogs, Momastery and JJ Landis | Living for Real. There is something in me, and I can't figure out what it is, spiritual, or hormonal (perhaps a combination), but I keep seeking out authenticity in everything. And lately, just reading those blogs have me staying up late and nodding my head to the point of it nearly falling off.

Then I started to re-read my own blog. To see where my journey (or what I chose to post from it) has taken me, and there it is, a resolutions list from January 2013. Well, it wasn't really a list, but it was my resolution.... thought. Yes, it was only 20 entries back, but I seem to still find myself in the. exact. same. place.

I thought resolutions were supposed to change and evolve someone, to encourage us to be better. I can't say I've really quite improved, instead I got bigger in 2013 and then had a baby in May of 2014. Otherwise nothing has significantly changed. I still feel like there are a billion things wrong. The storms are brewing somewhere in my life. But I still feel blessed and cannot fathom why I have been given this beautiful life to live. I look to God and can only continue to thank Him, but I'm pretty sure I look as confused as the awkward middle schooler on the first day of school. I just don't get it, and I am searching.

I remember back in June, 3 weeks after we just had Connor, we went back to Tofino for Father's Day. If you have not been to Tofino, it is something for the soul. For me, it's something about the vast expanse of the ocean. The sights, sounds, and feelings of simultaneous fear and awe. It feels spiritual there. I was looking around, feeling so blessed again, and only 1 word kept ringing to me. I am the kind of person that really quite hates commitment or responsibility, but this word embodies everything opposite. I couldn't help but to hear 'chosen'. Almost annoyingly deafening (but not nearly as deafening as my own mother's ultrasonic twangy nag). The only part I understood, was that there was something bigger for me (or my family) to do. The whats, whens, hows are still up for grabs. I don't even want to try to understand, but I know, deep within the storms brewing inside me might have something to do with that. I just haven't figured it out yet. So, maybe for my resolution thought of 2014, I'll go on a journey, to figure out what to do with 'chosen'.

Looking forward to 2015 (now that I've blogged my thoughts out, it is with a little trepidation!) and hope that your New Year will be a journey you can't forget. Let the good times roll.